Dear CloneClub
by wintergirlsmith
Summary: A letter of rules to the CloneClub. Inspired by 'Dear Students' by Bellamort500.
1. Chapter 1

*disclaimer*

Okay so I got this idea from reading fics by Bellamort500 (you should check them out, they're hilarious) so most of the credit goes to her/him.

Dear CloneClub,

I don't know why, but lately you've all been doing very strange things, so it seemed like a good idea to lay down some rules.

1.)You are to all stop referring to Rachel as Patchy the Pirate, even if she does have an eye-patch now.

We don't really care, but honestly we're all sick of hearing Rachel complain about it.

2.)Cosima and Delphine are to stop having relations in Felix's apartment.

Especially not in his bed. Again, this doesn't come from us.

3.)You are all to stop saying 'Helena strikes again!' every time you see a death in the news.

Unless Helena did actually strike again.

4.)Cosima is not allowed to have a puppy. That woman can barely take care of herself properly, let alone another lifeform.

5.)Cosima is to stop beggin for a puppy, because the answer is always going to be no.

6.)We don't care if you're a full-grown woman who can make her own decisions, because you tend to make bad ones.

7.)Donnie is to stop complaining that he thinks something is going on between his wife and Beth Childs.

It's true, but no one wants to hear you whine.

8.)No one is allowed to burn down the houses of people you dislike. You know who you are.

9.)Cosima is not allowed to buy a Furby and mentally abuse it just to 'see what happens'. The other clones think that Furby would've murdered you.

10.) Everyone is to stop mailing Deangeles sci-fi movies. That woman is suspicious enough of us as it is. Now she thinks we're aliens. Good going, Sarah.

11.) Alison is to stop waving guns at her sisters when they spill sunflower seeds on her floor.

12.) No one is to attempt to separate Rachel from her windows. She hates you all enough as it is.

13.) I'm not sure why anyone thought it would be a good idea to get Alison and Rachel high, but that is to never happen again, even if it was to 'help them bond'. We still haven't cleaned up all of the feathers in the East Wing.

14.) Cosima is to stop drunk-dialing Rachel at three in the morning singing Dancing Queen. This comes from Rachel, not us.

15.) You are all to stop having ship wars. Half of your ships aren't even canon, and you're all supposed to be adults.

16.) No one is to attempt to withhold red Jell-O from Helena. I don't know why any of you thought that'd be a good idea, but there were three deaths and four injuries that day.

17.) Rachel and Sarah are not in love, and would appreciate it if the Club would stop talking about their 'sexual tension.' Even if we all know it's true and they're in denial.

18.) We all know Alison and Beth are having an affair, but could you all please stop teasing Donnie about it? We have enough complaints from everyone as it is.

19.)Cosima is not allowed to disown her sisters for not liking Harry Potter, even if they do deserve it.

20.)Furthermore, the rest of you are not allowed to disown Cosima for making endless Harry Potter references.

21.) Also, Cosima is to stop using Harry Potter references as pick-up lines on Delphine. This doesn't come from us, but from Delphine, who doesn't understand them and is frankly a little scared of the series now.

22.)Nobody knows how many gumballs Helena can fit in her mouth, and nobody wants to.

23.) You are all to stop sending Helena after your enemies. She is a person, not a weapon. This comes from Sarah.

24.) Beth is to stop whining about how Sarah called her basic for that Friends box-set she has. Get over it.

25.)Cosima is to stop having a nervous breakdown every time she sees an angel statue. That show is fiction, and the Weeping Angels are not going to get you.

26.) We don't know who was responsible for that purple monkey at Dyad, and frankly, we don't want to know. Just don't do it again.

27.) Becoming a pimp is not a good career choice and you should let that idea go immediately. You know who you are.

28.)'I CAN DO WHAT I WANT' is not a good response when we ask you to stop capturing the pigeons from the park and drawing all over them with Magic Marker.

29.)Furthermore, you are not allowed to capture pigeons and draw all over them with Magic Markers. We're not sure why this really needs to be a rule, but you all continue to surprise us.

30.)You are not allowed to use your clones to make it look like you can travel in time. That's scary and confusing for all the strangers you involved in that.

31.) You are also not allowed to impersonate each other, no matter how good you think you'd look with dreadlocks, or how much you want to see Alison dressed like a punk rocker.

32.) 'This is bullshit' is not what you say when we forbid you from trying out for the NFL. Not a one of you could make it playing pro-football, and you all just embarrassed yourselves when you tried. Maybe Tony could, but he's the only one who knew better than to try.

33.) Sarah and Tony are to stop drawing fake beards on Sarah's face and letting people think she's Tony, no matter how good you are with the make-up, and no matter how many people actually believe it.

34.)Tacos are for eating, not for head wear. Cosima.

Sincerely,

Dyad.

I don't know if I'll continue this or not. Maybe if I get enough new ideas. We'll see. Please review and tell me if you liked it or not.


	2. Chapter 2

***disclaimer* **

**Again, partial credit goes to Bellamort500 for inspiration. And, per one reviewers request, this chaper includes the CloneClub's reaction. **

The CloneClub was in shock. How dare Dyad try to set rules for them! Well, Cosima was mainly only angry because she really wanted a puppy, and Sarah because she couldn't call Rachel Patchy the Pirate anymore, but still.

They decided to break all the rules then, and make even more mischeif than they already had, which resulted in even more rules, which are as follows:

Dear CloneClub,

You all act like children.

35.) Nobody is allowed to turn Kira 'gangster,' which means no one is allowed to buy her high-top Air Jordans, a snapback, and temporary tattoos.

This comes from Sarah.

36.) Rachel certainly did not appreciate it when you covered all of her windows with four layers of curtains and a set of blinds, and you are never to do it again. That scream made half of the nurses go deaf.

37.) You are all to stop writing to pro-basketball players asking for lip balm. Now you're all banned from NBA games. Good job.

38.) Sarah is not a 'punk rock ho' and will violently beat up the next person who says she is.

39.) Cosima, you may as well just accept the fact that Delphine is the closest thing you'll ever have to a puppy.

40.) We're not really sure why Helena filled a swimming pool with Jell-O and then dived into it, but don't ever do it again.

41.) Alison does not appreciate it when you call her an alcoholic, and will likely have a meltdown if you try to stage another intervention. Don't do it.

42.) Singing Amy Winhouse's 'They Tried to Make Me Go to Rehab' every time Alison walks into a room will only result in your injury.

43.) Beth is to stop saying 'I came in like a wreckkkiiinngg ballll' and dramatically slam the door open every time she walks into a room.

44.) It is probably best if you all stop emailing Deangeles with things from Doctor Who. Now she thinks you're all just one time traveler.

45.) No, Hitler is not an acceptable role model. We're not sure why this even needs to be a rule.

46.) None of you are allowed to play Monopoly ever again. That game has torn the CloneClub apart. Sarah and Beth still aren't speaking.

47.) 'World Domination' is not a good life goal. You're all almost thirty, you should have this figured out by now.

48.) 'Going to Hogwarts' is also not a good life goal. You're all too old for Hogwarts by now anyway.

49.) 'Taking care of Helena' is not a valid occupation.

50.) Neither is 'watching Fairly Odd Parents for 93 hours straight'.

51.) You are not allowed to claim Jeanine Matthews as your inspiration.

52.) You are also not allowed to claim Lord Voldemort as your inspiration.

53.) Or Bellatrix Lestrange.

54.) Furthermore, you are not allowed to name your soon-to-be-born child after any of the aforementioned people. We really don't understand why you would even want to.

55.) 'I WANT TO SMELL LIKE AN OCEAN BREEZE' is not an acceptable answer when asked why you have 47 bottles of Suave hair conditioner in your kitchen. Beth.

56.) We don't know why anyone thought letting Rachel read Harry Potter was a good idea, but now she's calling herself the Dark Lord and she wants us to get matching wrist-tattoos.

57.) We don't know what Alison hides in her basement, and honestly, we don't want to know.

58.) Crying, screaming, and burning down Home Depot is not an acceptable reaction to the end of iCarly.

59.) Nor is it an acceptable reaction to the end of Wizards of Waverly Place.

60.) Or Merlin. Honestly, Cosima, it's better if you just stay away from TV for a while.

61.) Cosima is not allowed to lock herself in her apartment and smash every breakable thing she owns because Merthur and Destiel aren't canon.

62.) No one knows where that weird scar on your ankle came from and nobody wants to.

63.) Gibby is not an acceptable name for a child.

Especially not for a girl.

64.) No store sells individual socks and you should stop being angry you can't find them.

65.) You are not allowed to carry a buttersock and claim you are Sam Puckett.

66.) Furthermore, you are definitely not allowed to seriously injure people with said buttersock.

Especially not your own clones.

**A/N again, don't know if I'll continue. Only if I get enough new ideas. Thanks to everyone who reviewed!**


	3. Chapter 3

Dear CloneClub,

You just never learn, do you?

67.) Spongebob is a middle-aged sponge who works at a greasy fast food restaurant. It should really go without saying he is not an acceptable role model.

68.) Cosima is to stop getting into barfights.

We don't care if he was 'looking at your girl the wrong way,' even Delphine said it was immature.

69.) Sarah would like us to say that if she receives one more Propunk fanart, she's going to sic Helena on all of you, disregarding the fact that she earlier said it was not okay to sic Helena on one's enemies.

70.) Nobody cares if you can eat an entire cake in under two minutes, Cosima.

71.) And you should especially not then challenge Helena into an eating contest.

72.) No, Alison, it is not legal to murdur your clones.

73.) We don't care if "nothing about this situation was ever legal in the first place." You are strictly forbidden from murduring any of the others.

74.) Even if Cosima DID give your daughter dreads, and even if she DID buy your son a striped green, red and yellow hat, both of which she denies, you are not allowed to murder her or any of your other clones.

75.) Ben and Jerry's is not 'a nutritious part of a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner.'

76.) Especially if that is ALL you eat.

77.) Honestly, with the way some of you abuse your own bodies, it's a wonder you're still alive.

78.) No, you can definitely not get a foot tattooed on your foot.

79.) Find another life dream.

80.) Your career goal cannot be 'I wanna be a pirate.'

81.) In fact, pirates, at least in the sense you imagine them, do not even exist anymore.

82.) We're not sure how you could be almost thirty years old and unaware of this, but FYI, piracy is illegal in most countries anyway.

83.) 'Deflowering' is definitely, without any doubt, NOT an Olympic sport, and you are definitely not 'training for the Olympics.'

84.) Honestly, any lies you can come up with will probably not justify the position we found you in.

85.) No, we did not mean sex position.

Your immaturity continues to astound.

86.) You are not Eminem, and we ask that you stop referring to yourself as the Rap God.

87.) Sometimes, we really wonder just what is wrong with all of you that we even have to explain some of these things.

88.) When we call any of you on your phones, we expect a "hello, yes this is (insert name)." NOT, "No, THIS IS PATRICK!"

89.) We're not sure how, but even Rachel is doing it now, which is some cause for concern.

90.) We really don't understand what is so enamouring about that little yellow sponge.

**Eh, it's not much, but this is really just for fun anyway. I'll probably add more some day, and this isn't as long or as funny as I'd like it to be, but I hope I at least made you smile amidst the angsty Propunk fics and the smutty Cophines and the dramatic Soccercops. **

**'Til next time, as always.**


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